I established in my previous post the guiding parameters in choosing my next project: Lightweight. V8. Manual transmission. Rear-wheel-drive. Practical. Simple. Comfortable. Nimble. Cheap. Some of these features could be added in through modifications, but the core values needed to be in place on whatever donor I chose to either “modify” or “molest”, depending on how highly you regard the engineering prowess of auto manufacturers 20 years ago, all of whom were coming down from their decade-long coke binge in the ’80s and who also didn’t give a rip about their current jobs because their retirements were invested in Enron so what did they have to worry about?
Project Fünf Null Part I: Introduction
It’s much easier to start with something lightweight and nimble than try and strip a heavier car and sacrifice comfort and practicality. A conversion to rear-wheel-drive is way beyond the scope of what I want to take on in my own garage (at least for now…). But an engine and/or transmission swap is common enough and certainly doable in my garage. And I knew I’d have to take the mindset of a broke man looking for a hooker; to find one at my price, it would have to have some miles, some issues, or both.
With those guiding principles in place, it was time to begin the hunt at the number one location for honest, reliable, trustworthy sellers of goods that are totally not stolen, and also I don’t know why there’s still a piece of Buick interior trim dangling from this car stereo, but do you have cash or not: Angie’s List. Wait, no. Craig. That guy’s list.
So what to search for? Surprisingly enough, my first choice was the RX-8. It ticked all of my boxes:
- Under 2900lbs stock
- RWD
- Universally praised chassis
- Odd rear suicide doors making the rear seats mildly accessible and actually capable of holding a miniature human being.
This was convenient because I’ve recently, through no little fault of my own, been placed in charge of one such miniature human being, forcing me to make many lifestyle changes, including making a nursery out of the room that used to house my collection of antique cans full of leaded paint. Fortunately, the only cans that spilled were gender-neutral colors so I didn’t even have to repaint the room.
But enough about that pesky child endangerment charge I beat, back to the RX-8 and its glorious rear suicide doors.
You must be under 36″ to ride this ride. Photo: rx8club.com, super duper love you guys!
“They’re still pretty expensive,” you say because you are a highly astute reader that spends far too much time browsing Autotrader, Craigslist, and eBay Motors; so much so that you’re actually familiar with the current retail price of used sporty cars. Here’s the hilarious thing about the RX-8: The engine is terrible. I mean, 240hp driving 2900lbs. sounds decent, right? Nope. That horsepower peak comes at 8200rpm which means all of the power is totally unusable in day to day driving unless you wring it out like an auto-erotic asphyxiationist on a lonely Friday night. And by design, the engine burns more oil than a mid-90s Chrysler product does by accident (we think). So if the engine is not meticulously maintained (or even if it is meticulously maintained since the rotary engine is a flawed design anyway), compression drops, the engine loses power and has trouble starting, and eventually it needs replaced. Because of this, at any given time you can buy any number of RX-8s that have trouble starting or don’t run at all for less than the cost of a kumquat. And since I don’t need the engine, that’s a perfect situation for me.
So it’s lightweight, cheap, practical – just about perfect, right? Well, almost. The biggest downside to the RX-8 is the members of its online community, who after reading my previous paragraph are all staring at their computer screens with beet-red faces and steam coming out of their ears like some kind of possibly racially-insensitive Warner Bros. cartoon character.
Yes, Yosemite Sam, please tell me about the Wankel’s superior power production per unit displacement while ignoring the words “Apex” and “Seals”.
Seriously – if you’ve ever wanted to roll your eyes so hard they risk falling out of the back of your head, read some threads about how we should actually expect the Renesis to be unreliable because it’s a highly tuned engine that’s perfect from the factory and common engine failures before 100,000 miles are a given from something this highly tuned, that revs to 9000rpm, and makes this much power *cough S2000 cough*. And then they’ll go on about its perfect weight balance and how they empty their pockets before driving because the weight of a cell phone and $0.48 in change would ruin that sublime balance and wreck the divine handling characteristics of the RX-8. Wait you want to put a DIFFERENT ENGINE IN THERE? You want to add A HUNDRED POUNDS TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR? BARBARIAN! HEATHEN! INFIDEL!
Sorry, give me a minute to find my eyes somewhere on the floor behind me, it may take a while because of my missing eyes. Also it’s weird how no one on the RX-8 boards complains about the 100+ pounds added when installing a turbo kit and intercooler and how that devastates the car. Just some food for thought.
ANYWHOODLES, the RX-8 was on my shortlist. Also on my shortlist – a Mercedes C-Class wagon, preferably the W203 generation which existed from 2000-2007. Not exactly a featherweight at ~3400lbs., it’s still on par with an SN-95 Mustang. I think it’s on the verge of a so-uncool-it’s-cool renaissance much like the 900-series Volvo wagons saw a few years ago, when hipsters realized they could house an entire free-range organic non-GMO CSA plot in back while simultaneously being somehow ironic about it and started buying up all of the old Volvos they could find.
This wagon is just about perfect: available in RWD form, fully capable of handling baby, home improvement, and daily driver duties, and the thought of this wagon emitting a loud-but-not-quite-obnoxious V8 roar tickles me in a way that usually only happens on Wednesday nights when I’m down to just my socks.
That’s why they’re called business socks.
The other bonus is that this model suffers from a severe (and aptly-named) case of It’s-Not-The-Newest-Model-Mercedes-Depreciation. Original MSRP was around $38,000 ($50,000 in 2015 dollars), but examples in perfect shape with just enough miles to scare away the weak at heart (or weak at wallet) can easily be found for under $5000 all day. Its biggest downside is complication – every system on the car is integrated, keyed to the car’s VIN, and designed to trigger eight million warning lights if any signal seems erratic, any system fails, or if a flea sneezes in Argentina. The car must then be taken to the dealer to have its warning lights reset at a cost of the GDP of Argentina only to repeat the process when the secondary air inlet backup vent indicator cooler motor drive sensor flap button fails the next week. Sure, at its core a car is a hulk of metal on wheels and can be forced to move irrespective of whether or not the body computers are happy, but if I’m going to live with it day to day, I want to stare at warning lights and deal with non-functional climate control about as much as I want to diagnose a failing secondary air inlet backup vent indicator cooler motor drive sensor flap button. Still, SHORTLIST.
And one more platform seemed to fit the bill: BMW 3-series, either the E36 (1992-1999) or E46 (2000-2005). Prices on the more-desirable E46 are still a bit high, but the E36 is getting reasonable. For practicality it could be had in a sedan or wagon, both of which were available with a manual transmission, easing the adaption of the donor running gear. The biggest downside of the more affordable E36 is, naturally, its affordability. Most of what fit into my budget has been neglected, abused, mistreated, and drift-missiled into a state such that it would look right at home sitting on its roof in front of the type of house whose most significant construction phase is when it’s backed into place and its wheels are removed.
Typical Craigslist E36: “Needs fuel pump, and also alignment.”
But that’s how life goes when you hang out with my good friend Craig and his venerable list. In the 1960s, Honda’s slogan in the US was “You meet the nicest people on a Honda.” I think Craigslist should use that as their motto, except replace “nicest” with “most terrifying”, “people” with “backwoods creatures” and “meet” with “will probably get murdered by”.
Typical Craigslist seller: “Keywords: Acura, Ferrari, Honda, VTEC, LED, HID, Pitbull, Taxidermy, 240sx, Raptor, Hemi, Turbo, Anal Fissures, Sport, Reliable, Luxury”
As we’ll find out in the next installment.
